Today, I’m going to talk about co-morbidity. Sounds weird, but it basically is a fancy way of saying
co-occurring. *I referenced this in the first Blog. I’ve thought to myself if I want to get into specifics in this, and I don’t think I do. I don’t feel it’s necessary to tell stories that might hinder my personal truth, recovery or work to share with the world what I am going through. But I will share enough to help anyone else who is struggling to let you know you are not alone.
5 of the most common co-morbid, or co-occurring disorders that are often seen with BPD are:
1. Depression
2. Anxiety
3. Substance Use Disorder
4. Eating Disorder
5. Sleep Disorder
I am going to speak about all 5 because I am able to speak about all 5. I currently have all 5 and deal with these on the daily…STILL. Let’s get to it.
DEPRESSION
I mentioned in a previous post that I have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. The thing that I “like” (and those are BIG quotes there) about these co-morbid disorders is that they are very interlinked and I can SEE the link between these. There are many strings that connect these 5 together so you will see me reference back and forth quite a few times which is another reason I decided to speak about all 5 in one Blog. The symptoms of my depression started (that I can remember) back around the age of 13 or 14, and getting on medication for it around the age of 15. Things continued to worsen over the years and my dark thoughts began to deepen. It’s not uncommon for depression symptoms to begin at this young age for many as hormones begin to kick in. I’m not sure what started it or what kept it going. I think (and I could be wrong here) there is a misconception for BPD that people don’t understand… BPD is just an escalated state of depression. That could not be more wrong! Depression is just 1 part of it, and a just a part. It is so much more, but depression IS part of it. I have never had a good self image, I have never had self confidence or felt comfortable being me. I’ve always felt like something is missing and because of that, I never felt whole and that has added to my depression. There have been some traumatic events in my life, (I am not the only one – I realize this) but they have really shaken me mentally, emotionally and physically. Some things I have NOT dealt with because I either have not taken the time or frankly, I have been told to ‘get over it’, ‘move on’. So, to please everyone else, I put on my big girl panties and do just that. All the while, I’m crying on the inside. I am NOT fine. I just keep shoving these feelings down not knowing where they go, trying to forget about them, but they come up at unexpected times, morphed into unexpected emotions.
ANXIETY
This severe anxiety disorder crept up slowly on me. Almost to the point of not even realizing I had it. But when I went in for evaluation and testing and described what I was feeling and experiencing, it was EVIDENTLY clear that’s what it was. And bad too. I was describing it years ago to people as almost a sensory claustrophobia. People, loud sounds, uncertain situations, multiple conversations going on at once even. Then it grew into being with people I don’t know that made me really uncomfortable, to large crowds, to places even with my family where conversations might get brought up. I have to mentally prepare for WEEKS. And when I say “prepare” I mean I will mentally go through scenarios, every scenario I can come up with, that can happen in my head and play it out. What I am going to say, what is going to happen, what I am going to do…
What am I going to wear, what I am going to eat, what I am going to drink… (this is important later down in the blog). I don’t feel like my life is MY life anymore. In social situations, it takes a LOT to prepare and a LOT for me to go into them. UNLESS I am running them. If I am in control, it seems to be a much different thing. If I am in control I feel I can better control my anxiety a bit. The stress not so much, but the anxiety, a little more. I am definitely one that feels like she is out of control if she’s not in control. Relinquishing that is hard for me – but again, something I am working on. It’s still a struggle, trust me.
Substance Use Disorder
Girl… Interrupted. Woman… Interrupted.
Addiction is a disease. It is one that I do not take lightly and one that I realize is sensitive to a lot of people out there. This is a co-morbid disorder that exists along with BPD (or CAN exist – it doesn’t always) – and for me… it does.
We all deal with trauma in our own ways. I grew up with my family going to wineries in California so wine was not foreign to me. As I got into college and dealt with some really horrific issues, the classy wine turned into severe bouts of drinking more than wine. Hard liquor, beer, wine, whatever I could get my hands on became my crutch. Drinking became less of a social engagement for me and more of a social crutch. A way for me to (maybe) deal with my anxiety or depression. As I got into my mid-20’s I was introduced to a new and easier way to grab that euphoric feeling I so dearly loved. It was a schedule IV opioid called Tramadol and I loved it. I took them every morning, every afternoon, every night. To the point where probably, my mind and my emotional growth was stunted at the age of 25 (if not sooner). I was hooked. That led to other pills like Oxy, Vicodin, and even other substances that weren’t pills but that made me feel numb. I wanted to feel numb. Kill the feeling – that’s what I needed. I loved the feeling I got from not feeling anything at all. For probably about 4-5 years I was dependent on them without anyone knowing. I was a severely functioning addict. I would take 20-30 a day and then go out for cocktails at night and be fine.
And then, I made the decision ALL ON MY OWN to get better. For me. So without any help, without any support or really anyone even knowing, I went ‘cold turkey’ and got clean. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I would not recommend that to anyone. Ever. #awful
For a while, I was hesitant to take medication after an injury or surgery or anything, it was that serious. It made me afraid that I would go “down that road” again. I’m actually not sure what would happen if I needed anything for pain now. And it’s been a few years on.
Now, back to the alcohol. This is more serious now. I had my last drink on August 9, 2023. I used to use alcohol as a crutch and without that crutch, I now have to ‘enjoy’ feeling. That emotion that I tried to numb by taking pills. This brings me to emotional hangovers. Emotional hangovers are the absolute worst and once I looked at my life and how far down it was and how far up I wanted to go, even the emotional hangovers looked good, that was a decision I was ready to make. *I will speak about sobriety a lot throughout this blog, but for now… I will leave it at that. The problem used to occur when I was uncomfortable, unhappy, stressed or anxious. Even just one drink could somehow send me over the deep end. Something changed in me and the door to the spiral staircase opened up and down I went. Beware.
Eating Disorders
Hillary Duff said it best “Let’s go back, back to the beginning”. The year is 1994… I am 13. (Man, that was a tumultuous year for me.) Depression began and I lost self confidence. For some reason, I remember the mid-90s there were a lot of TV movies about eating disorders that I gravitated toward and also, related with. I began to keep my “second life” secret. Not really knowing what I was even doing, or why, but finally gaining a bit of control in what seemed like a bit of an out of control life for a 13/14 year old. There was something I was able to enjoy. I know I didn’t like the school I was at. When I changed schools, I got braces and then tried to fit in with a group of friends, not really knowing who I should gravitate toward. Dance was a pressure, wanting to make the drill team at the high school I would soon attend. This life became my life. It was consuming me and my thoughts (pun intended). I hated the way I looked. Always have. It’s been a source of pain for me for an unknown reason – but here I was trying to fix and control it. That’s what a lot of people don’t understand about this disease… it’s about control. It’s a secret life about control. And because it’s about this secret life – I am NOT going to dive too far into my life with Bulimia AND Anorexia (because yes, I have and do experience both) but I will share what I feel is necessary.
I never went to treatment. I went to therapy once or twice but didn’t connect with the therapist and it was never talked about again. Again, I got to be in control. But I was questioned, and shamed and even punished somehow if I didn’t do what I “should” do. With my best group of friends in HS, my college boyfriend and even my ex-fiancé they all tried to help…saying the right things at the time. But no one ever tried to seriously help. No one understood the gravity of the situation. By this time, I was 25 and now I’m spiraling out of control with more added issues. But still no treatment for this. I bounce back and forth between purging and restricting, and also being fine for a time with no problems. But it creeps back like a monster in my head. A monster that lives in a dark closet that just decides to surprise me. I’m not in control of that.
I continue to struggle.
Sleep Disorder
Sleep Disorder… oh my god it makes me tired just THINKING about it. My whole nuclear family suffers from insomnia so I’m not sure I can claim this as a BPD symptom or if it’s a genetic thing. However, that being said, I do have a sleep disorder and I have been prescribed medicine to help me sleep.
Without medicine, I would probably be awake for days. I can get SO tired that I get over tired and my brain just is unable to shut off. The slightest thing can and does wake me up, and I am not able to go back to sleep. I was taking Benadryl for so long that I freaked myself out after hearing what that can do to a person long term. (1) So to finish off these 5, sleep disorders are not pleasant, but pretty common in the real world. Most people who suffer from sleep problems feel foggy or refer to themselves as going “brain dead” or “loopy” and there is plenty of scientific back up behind that. Again, something I would recommend doing if you experience a true sleep disorder or minor insomnia on any level is relaxation techniques prior to your night time routine of calming down (if possible). Sleep is necessary and I cannot stress that enough – as someone who feels she doesn’t get enough and could and would sleep for days if possible, sometimes, a ritual to get relaxed to fall asleep easier is helpful.
The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!
The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!
Awaken Your Soul's Potential 