First question I used to get asked is, “Isn’t that the same as Bipolar Disorder?” and my answer would always be “No”!
There’s a lot of differences between the two and they are not the same thing at all, but can be found in the same person sometimes.
I remember when I started feeling “off” and telling my husband that something was wrong but not being able to put my finger on it. I didn’t feel like myself. (Although strangely I didn’t even know what ‘myself’ even felt like anymore’). It was just after the Winter Solstice of 2023 and I had made an appointment with a psychiatrist that had come recommended to me. I was going to go in for all the things. Suit up brain, your in the game! (hey, that rhymed!)
So before I go into the test and my diagnosis I need to go back in time quite a few years. I had been diagnosed with depression way back in middle school and from the age of about 15, I had been on anti-depressants for my depression and what was the start of a long journey with an eating disorder. *Ill dive into this in several blogs down the line.
When I was pregnant in about 2016 with my first child, I developed what I referred to as ‘auditory sensory something’. Basically what that meant to me and to my husband since he spoke fluent “me” was that I couldn’t take hearing more than 1 conversation at a time, or listening to music and watching TV at the same time, or being at a party when there were multiple things going on at one time around me. It made my brain physically hurt. I didn’t know it then, because I was never seen and therefore never diagnosed with it, but this is a sign of extreme anxiety. Didn’t know that! Well, unlike my distaste for wine, that did NOT end with pregnancy. Instead it got worse and heightened. My depression worsened as well. I also found myself constantly asking my husband questions like “Why do you even want to be married to me?”
Over the years he has gotten on to me about my spending habits and how I have nearly bankrupted our family without even knowing or realizing I was doing it. I have gone into rages where I have been the one to rip the door off the hinges and throw it on the ground (not him) because something irked me in the wrong way. And I have (over and over and over) throughout the years been the one known to change up my hair, by cutting or coloring it again and again, because I was “bored” or just because it was a Tuesday. And then, for a while, be fine. I’m a people pleaser by nature. I want to always say ‘yes’ to every invite, because in my head, if *I* say yes, and the invite is returned, they will say ‘yes’ to me! Right? It’s just common decency. Right??
See, with Borderline Personality Disorder, at the root (and forgive me, I’m going to refer to it as BPD throughout because it’s just long!) is a fear of being abandoned. And yes, without even knowing about the existence of this disorder MANY MANY moons ago, I can remember telling people THAT was my greatest fear.
BPD mainly stems from childhood at some point but manifests in us usually in our late teens-early 20’s. “SPLENDID”. Prime time for the crazy to come out – party season of life, am I right?!
But I didn’t discover it until I was in my early 40’s. But it has been there the whooooooole time. Playing tricks on me and just waiting to be discovered.
After lots of paperwork, brain scanning and more tests, it came back that I had BPD. Not ONLY BPD, but also severe depression and severe anxiety. Hmmm, interesting. And even more so, my anxiety was actually higher at the time than my depression. Whatcha know?
I’ll get into more about BPD throughout our journey, because it’s NOT something I’m ashamed of. Actually, once I discovered I had it, I was kind of relieved because that explained a LOT. It gave me some reasons and some explanations for quite a few instances in my life I was able to look back on FINALLY with some resolution but not have to really explain. (if that makes sense).
Right now I want to mention the co-morbid symptoms that CAN exist alongside BPD. It’s important to note that one can exist without the other and they do not CAUSE each other. It just means that if you have one AND the other, they are more likely to be exacerbated because of the disease(s).
1. Depression
2. Anxiety
3. Eating disorder
4. Sleep disorder
5. Substance use disorder
So bottom line, I have impulsive and self destructive behaviors that I have to learn to cope with along with depression, anxiety and…
We will get into the rest.
The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!
Awaken Your Soul's Potential 