The Struggle is Real

Congratulations Juls, you made it through the holiday season sober! Your first holiday season with your family and your husband’s family stone-cold sober!

Honestly, it was easier than I expected it to be. That’s the beauty of catastrophizing nearly every situation. You expect it to get blown up and insinerated into oblivion. But this holiday didn’t. I was almost excited in a way, once I had moved past the ever charming “Oh-I-get-to-be-with-my-whole-family-for-days” kinda thing. I was looking forward to discussing my sobriety with them and having them ask me questions, because I am an open book! I like sharing my story. Here’s where the plot twists. It didn’t go like that. And here is where the Borderline starts to kick in. Anxiety, anger and triggers set off the littlest things. I remember being at Christmas Eve dinner with my family and I was cornered quite literally in a restaurant (at one point I even said “nobody puts Baby in the corner” referencing a dearly loved movie from the 80s which no one paid attention to because it was so loud in there and, because I said it), I had my father continually asking me what I wanted to eat, my mother annoyingly asking in my ear what people on the other side of the table were asking, and the kids at the ‘kids table’ (which was attached to ours) misbehaving and no one doing a damn thing about it. I could easily see where this was going, so I grabbed my husbands hand and welped back the tears which I felt coming on. I had no where to go. I had to sit there and just wait it out. What I wanted to do was throw a plate against the wall and scream at the top of my lungs a bunch of profanities that would have probably come out in another language I was so pent up with rage. What I did was quite the contrary. I just sat there, quiet, ignoring my dad’s question of “what do you want to eat” and put my head down – eventually lifting it up to say “The shrimp dish”. I was so pissed off – All I wanted was a pill, or a drink or something to get me out of this BPD rage that would have ensued had I had the chance to stand up strait. 

Today, several days later, after much needed rest and LOTS of naps, I went to dinner with my little family. My husband and my son – just the three of us on a Friday night. It’s the week between Christmas and New Years so we all know that time basically stops and no one really knows what day it is, but I think and assume it is Friday. It’s cold and as we walk into the restaurant it’s packed to the brim full of rude and obnoxious people. This place is HUGE so there is never a wait. Maybe once a year; well, we found that one time a year apparently. Earlier today I asked my 2nd grade son to do something simple like clean his room. That request went ignored many times and it made me frustrated. I finally said “Ok! No TV next week.” Done. That will leave him plenty of time to clean his room and read like he likes. So when we got to the restaurant I was already a little on edge, shall we say. People were loud, babies were crying, hostesses were screaming numbers it was just … not my jam. My husband had just come from a happy hour where he was ‘happy’. He could tell I was irritated and just wanted some quiet before I lost it – I think he sensed another rage about to flip. It doesn’t take much for me to flip into a Borderline Rage. Eventually we sat down, ate and left. 

Upon leaving and getting cozy in my pajamas I had a thought…(now after sharing two riveting life stories from the past week)

The Struggle is REAL! This is the first time in my entire LIFE that I have been a Sober Borderline. I might have briefly mentioned this before – but the two ‘labels’ have always co-existed as long as I can remember. Along with some others, which I might touch on if I feel so called to do. I respect the 12 steps, making amends, my sponsor and also on the flip-side, my medications and my therapist and doctors, but how in the world am I supposed to combine these two worlds? 
Is it not ok to get angry and go into a rage? I asked that in a weird way – of course I know it’s not ok, but hopefully you get the idea of what I’m saying. If you have BPD – you probably understand more. I feel like I need to suppress that anger even more now because I am in the program. Does anyone else feel that way? Or is it just me? My symptoms of BPD still exist and I’m trying so hard to bury them because my Godsend of a sponsor calls my bullshit – but 15% of the time, it’s not my bullshit, it’s my mental disorder and I just really don’t know what to do, or what I’m doing. (That’s a generous figure too I’m sure, I bet it’s probably closer to 30%)
My range of emotions and my impact on other people are no longer driven by alcohol and drugs, but they certainly show a wounded bird wanting to fly. I am not sure how I can apologize for that, or for my role in that, am I wrong for feeling or thinking that? I know the Big Book draws a conclusion to some people with mental disorders will have a bigger battle ahead of them – maybe this is what this means. 

I am continuing to prep and get everything in order to kick off my 2024 in the right direction for mental clarity, self care and a journey to clean health. There are just some questions I have and some answers I am searching for. If you know, I encourage you to comment with your experiences if you wish. Know you are not alone on this path to happy destiny. For those of you suffering in silence whether from substance abuse, mental health disorders, both, or anything else that come here for either a spiritual journey, like mindedness or clarity, I wish you good health and clarity of thoughts in 2024.

I look forward to starting the new year off – the right way – calm, cool, collected. Let’s make the new year ours for the taking. 

2+0+2+4= 8

8 is the Magical Number for KARMA

Believe that everything you are owed in this year will come back in waves to you.

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The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!