The age of 43, for some reason, mentally was always my “scary age”. Don’t ask me why, because I couldn’t tell you. Today, I turn 43 and I am beyond excited about it. I am happy, and there is nothing wrong with me turning 43. I am celebrating! But it’s a bit weird what I am celebrating this year. I am blunt about it. I am celebrating not being dead.
When I got sober, I never thought of being sober on my birthday or holidays or what have you. I never thought about saving my own life. I never thought about those life choices, I just knew I had to do it for me – no one else. It was my decision. But as my birthday was approaching, I started to get this knot in my stomach and realize, I’m alive! Now what do I mean by that.
I was heading down a dark path, yet again, with my drinking last summer…pretty much since COVID, and I had no ‘off’ button. I envied those that could have one or two glasses of wine with dinner, or one or two cocktails with dinner. I was one that had one or two bottles of wine with dinner, or 4 or 5 cocktails with dinner. IF I ate dinner. Sometimes I got so full on my drinks I forgot to order dinner, or eat it. Each day and each alcoholic encounter I felt I was getting worse, without anyone telling me. But because no one was telling me, they must not have thought that, so I must have been fine to carry on the life. The life of “happy” when in reality, it was a sad and miserable life which I was drinking and ‘pilling’ away. I had escaped injury and death beyond countless times and I just knew my time was coming. I could sense it. I had driven blackout (many many times), I had stopped breathing several times during a binge night, so much more. There was no reason why I should still be here, and in my sobriety I noted that over and over again. Out loud – to my sponsor, my husband, and to myself. I cheated death time and time again when I could have and should have easily not. Why am I still here?
I have a beautiful son and now a beautiful life, and some seriously strong and amazing guardian angels because I put them through some stressful hell and they keep me under their wings. Whoever they are (there must be more than one) I owe them great amends. But seriously, there feels like there is a bigger and better reason as to why I am here. It’s like a soul’s calling. I can’t explain it. It’s even something I used to say when I was high and drinking, but now that I am completely clean, just imagine the times I say it to myself. I mean it now. From the depths of my soul I yearn to find MY personal meaning to life.
When I woke up this morning, I stretched, I laid there and I just breathed. I took a minute and just realized – I am not dead. I am alive! I earned this birthday. I earned this 43 and it’s not going to scare me. There is something symbolic to me about watching the sunrise. It’s incredibly overcast, rainy and grey today so I couldn’t see the sunrise, but I celebrated by enjoying a Full Moon ritual of my own in some quiet meditation this morning. I feel it’s a bit magical to be able to fully manifest a new dream, a birthday wish if you will and celebrate quietly and magically and the way I intended to.
For many, birthdays are just another day. Some people celebrate, some not so much. We all get birthdays. What makes them special? As I began to receive phone calls and messages from my loved ones, there were some people I told “I’m celebrating being alive”, to which I got a laughter response. Maybe they don’t get it. They don’t have to. I know what I mean and what that symbolizes to me. This time last year, I had a suicide plan with a psychiatrists office and they were checking on me and my “people” every 72 hours. Now, I am able to say the phrase, ‘I am happy’!
I. Am. Happy.
I couldn’t fathom every saying those words in my life, let alone thinking them. I have made self-care not only my true self’s soul focus this year but a focus on so many levels. I wanted to help my mental stability, my physical ability and my body’s core functionality. I know I can never go back. If I ever do, I’m a dead woman walking. I’m focusing on rebuilding what I basically never had and/or lost in my addiction and self destructive games. I’m working on reassembling relationships everywhere due to my inability to cope with reality. As I move through this process, it gets easier and easier. The joys of life are showing up in different ways and revealing my strength which I truly never knew I had. I get to write about things I am now beyond passionate about and share my thoughts and my novice journey with like-minded people, and hopefully we can eventually share ideas in the future. Happiness is a state of mind that you don’t need a passport for. You just need a mental car and a full tank of gas to get there. You need to put in the work, make the effort but take care of yourself first, because you can’t pour from an empty cup. One of my friends once said “It doesn’t matter if the glass is half empty of half full. It’s all about perception. Are you pouring into the glass, or are you drinking out of it?”
Happiness is pouring into the glass. Mental Health is pouring into the glass. Sobriety is pouring into the glass. All of these need to be healthy and self-sustaining liquids.
This gift, self-care and sobriety and working on my mental health all rolled into one is the greatest gift I can give myself. I am so happy to be able to close out 42 and shine the light on my ‘scary age’ and welcome it happily. This era is just getting started and it is an ERA! An era of magic and health!
XOXO,
Juliet
The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!
Awaken Your Soul's Potential 