When I first got sober, I knew a lot of my friends (basically all of them) were hoping I would. So, in turn, I knew they would be happy and I was hoping they would be proud of me for doing so. In my head, life would go on and everything would be great and dandy and I would have my new life and my friends and we would go on being amazing and keep on keepin’ on. BUT… (and that’s a big but) I am sure that if you have trudged the road of happy destiny – you probably know where this is going.
I have always been a very social person. A butterfly if you will. Even in elementary school, I had a best friend that we would do sleepovers nearly every weekend. That continued into middle school and then in high school, I got a new group of friends where we couldn’t be separated if you tried with a knife. I stayed connected with this group through college and even roomed with some of them at university. Then work life – new life, new ride or dies. I think it’s so important for women to have a group of friends they can depend on. The ‘Sex and the City’ group if you will, to always be by your side, to call on, to travel with, to do things with. It’s nurturing for the soul. I have had a group of best friends and we have been thick as thieves – my true ride or die group for years now. I loved these girls with all my heart. Once I got sober – which as mentioned above, they all wanted and suggested I ‘lighten up on my drinking’…I did, things started to change.
A couple days ago I had a realization in the shower. (Does anyone else do their best thinking in the shower?)
As I am progressing through my growth and new life, I am leaving my old life behind. Obviously, I am on a different path – which is great for me. But the realization is this: I don’t have ANY ride or die, best friends any more. I don’t have a best friend anymore. I am no longer able to call myself the social butterfly, even though I so long for a night out with girlfriends. Was it me changing… or was it them? The only thing that has really changed with me is my inability to drink alcohol. I haven’t changed as a person – except I’ve gotten healthier and better, but other people see me as a ‘changed person’. I know that’s on them, not me, but damn, it’s hurtful. I am working on changing my thought process through this self care and development process and through my writing and helping others, but sometimes I just sit back and weep. I mourn the loss of life that I once had, and I need to take time to mourn. The old me is dead and gone.
But like a phoenix I have risen out of the ashes a new person. I need to find new people and new girlfriends who appreciate this new me. Maybe even go so far as to meet people who don’t know me as a recovering alcoholic or addict. I have met wonderful women in AA and ladies I would consider friends. But we have not socialized outside of meetings yet, I am hopeful we will sometime in the near future. We text a lot, and we laugh and have a great time, so it’s almost natural the next step would be getting a group of us alcoholics together and hitting up the new non-boozy bar down the street for some dinner and some mocktails. (one can hope.)
But I don’t know where everyone stands. I know some of my friends are having relationship issues, some are dealing with kids schedules and all that life has to offer. So I get it. It doesn’t all revolve around me. But I am willing to wait on them because I do enjoy myself around these particular women. However, I don’t need to put my social life on pause because I ONLY want to hang out with them. I just understand that I need to face my fear of getting out there and meeting new people in an environment that is not natural to me. Typically, the best place to meet and form new relationships is in school and at work. I am out of school and I work in a very small office. There are meet ups and other events I can go to… but… enter Borderline. What if…? What if I get rejected, what if people don’t like me? What if… we can all “what if” ourselves until the proverbial cows come home but it won’t get us new friends that can understand the new people we have become.
So here I sit at my desk, head spinning out of control, emotions not too far behind it thinking to myself, I am starting over. Because nothing lasts forever. Even the friends that you thought would be at your deathbed trying to make you laugh to keep you breathing, nope. They don’t last. And yeah, that flat out sucks. And while I am trying to tell myself something positive, I realized – I AM that butterfly. It might not be a social butterfly, but what I was was a caterpillar. I was a caterpillar for years crawling around slamming down wine and sipping on cocktails, stuffing my face with pills, just makin friends left and right, thinking life was grand. I didn’t give a second thought to what I was doing, I was just livin’ my life soaking up everything I could because, well, WHY NOT? But on August 9th of 2023 I had to crawl into my cocoon and take a breath. And NOW… I am a butterfly. I have been given wings to fly.
Maybe my life now is just full of caterpillars needing to find their own cocoons. Maybe I am mourning what I don’t have any longer because I am better off. But I’m busy taking flight.
Just remember, if you have or will be trudging the road of happy destiny, this road is meant for caterpillars that are here for a temporary stay. Crawl into your cocoon. You are meant to spread your wings and fly. Be prepared for a road that is worth trudging, but it is a bumpy one to say the least. That’s the best time to fly.
The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!
Awaken Your Soul's Potential 