We are not human beings, we are human doings

I just got back from a weekend holiday away by myself. A weekend of self- discovery, self-reflection and self-healing. It was not anything what I expected it to be, and yet, it was a lot like I expected it to be.
I woke up in the middle of the night on Friday “morning” at around 1 am and slumingly (one step above pajamas, but one very small step) got ready to drive 10 hours to the mountains of Taos, NM to visit my medicine woman and high priestess of my coven for a weekend of solitude and ceremony. One which after several weeks of self-induced misery and bodily torture, mind numbing routine and pity parties for myself, I believed would be good for me. She agreed and we prepared for some great mind and body work ahead of time.

Upon my arrival, not only was it good to see her after not seeing her for months, it was great to stand up straight and stretch my legs. I breathed in the fresh mountain air and actually took a deep breath of her power and goodness. It’s hard to do that when you come from a city. The weather on Friday was beautiful (albeit a bit cloudy) and it was just nice to be. Nothing to do with truly, nothing to do. That kind of mindless feeling when you have come from a frantic planned lifestyle of always going and going – where your plans have plans that you just sit and for the first time, when doing nothing, you just don’t really care if you’re forgetting anything. It was like that. My nothing had nothing to do, and it was great. In that sense, my weekend was exactly like I expected it to be. I needed that escape from my busy and anxious reality – even for just a couple of days to recenter; reground.
In my downtime, which was quite a bit, I went shopping and some fun thrift shops, drank tea at local coffee shops, hunted for crystals at some alchemy stores, and explored the town. I listened to a podcast on self-care and heard this term said “we are not human beings, we are human doings” and it stuck with me, especially as I am on my healing weekend with my high priestess. What does that really mean? So I decided to really take some time to think about it on my own, and not really listen to what the speaker was saying, because I wanted to come up with my own theory and conclusion. I think it’s pretty self explanatory, but is it really easy to put into words when it comes to self-care and self-discovery and self-healing? I wanted to try.

Being: Existence.

Doing: The activities in which a particular person engages.

The above is how Google searches Oxford Languages for the definitions of the words ‘being’ and ‘doing’. Human Existence. And Human Activities (in all fairness). So, looking at it THIS way, do we want to exist, or do we want to be active in our own lives?

If we look at it this way, we should all be human doings. And, when it comes to self-care and self-healing we should DEFINITELY be human doings. I can refer back to my previous blog post about the pillars of self care for this one because that is about strict action. Doing. But I also want to take you from faux self-care to real self-care with purpose by doing today. What I learned this weekend and how I, we, can put that into action.

Faux Fur = Good. Faux Self-Care = Not so good.

So, what IS faux self-care and why is it bad? Or is it? Faux self-care is identified as ‘things that are good in the moment but won’t change your life or your mood permanently’. For instance, bath bombs, face masks, or a hot bath. While in the moment, they feel good and they can be Instagram worthy for a hashtag #selfcare moment, those are faux self-care items. Now, in the moment for a quiet bit of relaxation, go for a great hot bath with a magnificent bath bomb and follow it up with a yummy face mask. I’m not saying you can’t! It will get you through the moment. What I am saying however, is just that. It will get you through the moment and nothing more. Sometimes we need that quick fix, that moment to get through so we can move on with our day. A quick event of self soothing and quiet time can get us through any type of stress and help us overcome a bit of rut in our lives. But, the question is this: IS this truly self care, or is it a quick escape? Ahh, another question. Now, I’m going to answer what real self-care is and then we can come back to this.

True self-care has 4 principles which you can set any layer of care on and there will be some truth there. They are
1. Boundaries
2. Compassion
3. Values
4. Power
Perhaps a little less, uh, ‘glamourous’ shall we say than the Instagram-worthy faux self-care yes? But when you find these principles and stick to them, you will find yourself changing from the inside out, rather than the outside in. And THAT, is true self-care.
Let’s talk about boundaries. We all know what they are, but how easy is it to achieve them? Sometimes, it can be quite easy, depending on the situation or with whom you’re speaking. But if it’s a sensitive matter and/or perhaps a family member, it can be a little more difficult. Practice setting boundaries. Maybe start with something small and with someone you’re comfortable with. There are some catch phrases that you can and probably should keep in your back pocket and use several times a week and/or when you can. At work, with family, with friends, etc. And depending on cultural and social norms for how you interact with people, practice and begin using boundaries like the following:
-“If you text me, I will get back at a time that works for me.” (that’s a great one because it lets the person know that you’re not ignoring them, which can spark fear in them, but that you will not respond right away and you just need time.)
-“If you continue to put pressure on me, I am going to have to end this conversation.” (while that might seem harsh, you are letting the other person know where you stand. The other person doesn’t know how you are feeling, until you tell them. And sometimes it’s best to get up and walk away before an argument ensues.)
-“I appreciate your input, but this is my decision.” (unwanted and unwarranted advice is everywhere. This is a great way to set a boundary when someone gives you theirs without hurting anyone’s feelings.)
There are many more and many levels of setting boundaries. Verbal, emotional, physical… and it’s all for the state of your own mental well being. I know when I began to set my own boundaries, I felt powerful, and like a new person. I had never done this before and all of the sudden, I felt as though I had somehow become the mistress of my own destiny in an instant!

Next is compassion. I mentioned this in an earlier blog, but we think at an AVERAGE of 2,000 words per minute (it’s about 1,000-3,000). So let’s take a minute to think if we negative self-talked to ourselves for 1 minute. Just 60 seconds. How many words can you tell yourself in 60 seconds that are bad? But, just think now – if we were able to turn those thoughts around and have some self-love and compassion for ourselves. That self-care truly goes to our core. To the neurons of our brain and into our bloodstream which nourishes our muscles and our bodies. Do we want negative thoughts feeding our bodies every day? Or do we want compassionate self-love thoughts feeding our souls and bodies every day? We are blasted by social media and advertising all the time with people who are “better” than us (please see above for #fauxselfcare idea and #instagramworthy paragraph) and stop and think about two things for me when you do this (and I have to be reminded myself too) 1) these people are probably paid to post and are probably airbrushed or photoshopped in SOME way and 2) this probably was not their first photo and probably took 932,847,298 selfies to get this one. So when we speak with ourselves in the mirror every morning, or when we are talking to ourselves in the shower, or in the car running errands or on the way to the office, let’s have some compassion. We take on a lot, and we deserve some compassion and some self-love. We can’t truly take care of ourselves without love.

Following compassion is Values. I have found that 5 values are standard but you can have more or less, depending on how you were raised, where you come from, and where you are in life right now. But keeping with these 5 core values for self-care, true self-care makes the most sense to me, and I hope it does you as well.
1. Integrity
2. Accountability
3. Diligence
4. Perseverance
5. Discipline
Why are these values so valuable when it comes to true self-care you ask? Remember when I mentioned when true self-care comes from the inside and works its way out? These values are ALL working from the inside. Every single last one of them. Integrity doesn’t show on the outside, in fact, it has everything to do when no one is even looking at you. Same thing with Accountability. Pulling your weight for your team or being present and taking responsibility while they aren’t around. Diligence is your work effort and how careful you are and can be. This can only come from within because this has nothing to do with your good looks on the outside. One of my favorite quotes is about our next word: Perseverance: Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races, one after the other (Walter Elliot). And finally, Discipline to tie all these up in a pretty little bow. And really, that’s the only ‘pretty’ thing you’re gonna get in this whole paragraph because nothing about these values is pretty, but it sure does make for a true self-love and self-cared for person on the inside! When you have discipline, you can pretty much do anything on your own, knowing you have what it takes, even when you don’t want to do it.

And finally, for TRUE Self-Care, is Power. Now, I don’t mean tyrannical power. I mean Wonder Woman, Super Hero status power! You have the power to say NO, or to say YES, or the power to step away, to set a new boundary, to go on a retreat, to do whatever it is you need to do for a recharge. Man or woman, you have the power. You just need to tap into it. And, we can all struggle with this one simple fact, because tapping into this power might be a different source than what it used to be before. For instance, My power source before used to be alcohol. Truth be told, no matter how tired I got, I knew that I could start with one drink, and that would get a little pep in my step and I would soon be ready to G-O! Then, after a couple more drinks, there was no stopping me, no matter what time I had to be at work in the morning. I was an energizer bunny.
But, times have changed and I have become sober and clean and about to come up on my 9 month mark of being clean and sober, my button has changed for a different kind of power. I now enjoy the power of passing on a drink, saying yes to time with my family, setting a boundary with my extended family (which at first was hard because they didn’t know what the word ‘boundary’ meant!), and saying yes to more alone time taking care of me. That is power that I never had before. That power comes from within and is true self-care and self-love and self-healing.

So, back to that question above. A quick event of self soothing and quiet time can get us through any type of stress and help us overcome a bit of rut in our lives. But, the question is this: IS this truly self care, or is it a quick escape? It is a quick event of self soothing and a quick escape and I will tell you why. TRUE self care is defined as this: Participating in activities that bring you closer to your authentic self. Again, working from the inside and working your way out, not the opposite. It’s totally ok to have a moment of outside and work your way in, sometimes we need that jumpstart. Hell, I know I do sometimes! But you can also jumpstart in other ways. Yoga, walks, being out in nature… those are prime examples of ways to jumpstart your CNS (central nervous system) and begin your journey to get to your authentic self. Self-care and self-love will come more honestly and easily then. And then, your “faux” self-love will just be something fun that you can share on social media with your friends but won’t worry about trying to keep up with the Jones’ to get that perfect #selfcare photo. Because your true authentic self won’t really care.

The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!