A Letter to YOU

Dear You,

Hi. It’s been a while and I don’t want to come off as rude, but I do need to be honest and perhaps a bit blunt. You hopefully will take this with openness but, if you don’t, I won’t apologize if I hurt your feelings. You have hurt mine long enough.

I feel like I have been put back in the place of being an object. I feel like I have been put back in the place of being a convenience and you can talk to me, you can show me affection, you can be excited when I am around only (and that’s a big only) when it’s best for you. I think, what if I am skinnier, maybe I will gain approval in your eyes. Yes! That will work. Anna (my eating disorder) shows up or whispers in my ear from a distance and plants ideas in my head every day. I need to be better, prettier, thinner, more toned, sexier, blah. Who even am I performing for anymore? I don’t even know. I’m happy and excited but confused and weirded-out all at the same time because of you.
All these thoughts and many more swirling around in my sober head over and over again, constantly every day for hours on end. Why do I have to keep fighting for you? Hello, are you even going to fight for me? You say you will, but your actions and even sometimes words lead me to believe you won’t. I can’t believe anything that is said anymore. How do I know, how will I know?
I feel left out of everything because of me trying to take care of myself first. I can’t pour from an empty cup and that theory has come to bite me in the ass. I try to take care of myself and work on my self-care journey and things that bring me joy so I can then be there for my family, but then I feel like I am spending time away from my family at a pivotal time and I am putting myself in a position of feeling estranged. This is a situation which feels like “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” My self-care routine is so important to me, my sobriety is so important to me, you should know that.
Not taking into account how I feel, or what I want, really ever. It’s really hard to admit this, but something I have learned in the program is this: it’s not really about you, is it? It’s not. I can’t look at you to blame. As much as I want to and have all the reasons to, as much as I get irritated or jealous or angry at YOUR actions, not mine, of how I am treated. It’s not about you.

It’s about me. Well, I guess it’s about both of us. But really me…

Why do *I* feel hated or used? Why do *I* feel unworthy or needy? I’m an adult now, why can’t I get over these things that I felt and sensed when I was growing up? Why can’t I get passed all these emotions that fill up the baggage I carry around from previous relationships? Don’t get me wrong, what you did and what you continue to do is wrong and I won’t stand for it, but I am not going to give my energy to it anymore. My energy is going to stay with me and focus on why I let you control me so much. The thing is, especially in my program, I have had to grow up. I don’t feel I can have any issues anymore because I now have someone I am responsible for – which is great and exciting and makes me feel like a grown up. But where are YOU going to go? How do you stay around if I am preoccupied? I don’t want you to stay but I almost feel if I let you go, you will completely disown me and then I will have nothing left to argue with.

I have to relinquish control. I have to, it’s necessary. And maybe that means you go away too. I’m sorry about that, and maybe I will grow in the way I need to without you.

So, from me to you… be gone. You are released. Let me live my own life from this point forward. Let me bask in the light of my choices and my loves. Let me be there fully for the people I choose to be there for without you taking up brain space, or other space. Let me let people in fully in a way I have never been able to do before now. I have the capacity, I am clear – allow me this.

Sorry demons. My world is calling for brightness and lightness now. And this is the first time I have said that out loud, or on paper. Take my habits with you when you leave. Take my selfishness and my laziness and my controlling behavior with you when you leave. Make room for my family, make room for my loved ones and make room for me.

This is my plea to YOU. Go.

-Juliet