Why Not Me?

(The Backstory: The Readers Digest Version)
So this is one post I never really expected to write. I just never thought these thoughts would be so consuming of my current life as much as they are. But, we know that as an addict in recovery, and one who suffers from BPD and Bipolar, (wow, I sound like a catch!) these intrusive thoughts are probably normal. But why can’t I let them go?

Back in October of 2005 I moved to Pasadena CA for a job promotion with a beautiful company. I was single so I saw no problem with me moving halfway across the US just because. I had graduated from college the year before and was ready for a change. I got (get) bored easily, so I needed a new set of scenery. The first day of job training and getting to know each other, I met someone. My god he was good looking. Dressed well, funny and yes, good looking. He and I were beginning to know each other and we just seemed to click. There was one slight problem. Any guesses? You’re correct. He was married. I was so desperately in a sad place where I thought he and I connected so well and we belonged together that I didn’t care. Now, judge all you want, but I was 24. 24 and an alcoholic/addict. Not that that’s an excuse but truth, that’s what I wanted. I wanted him. He wanted me too, so maybe he just married the wrong person. *shrug*

There was one day, one lunch time that changed everything in my mind (and heart) forever. On a super random rainy day in Beverly Hills, he and I went shopping. We shared an umbrella and walked in the rain. Perfection. That’s still such a core memory for me – not sure why – but it was just magical. I felt like I was the only girl in the world. The next week, he invited me to a Stanford vs. USC football game. That was on Saturday, November 5, 2005. How do I remember that? I will get to that later on. We went and had an incredible time. We laughed, held hands, and did other things a married man and mistress should not be doing. (yes, I was the mistress). Two days later, he left his home and moved in with me. Our 3 week romance was off to a crazy and intense start…and I was living for it. Now, I lived in a studio apartment in downtown Pasadena at the time so we were close, both figuratively and literally. We also worked together and convinced our boss to put us on the same schedule. It was great. We were both so happy. It quickly became known at work that we were a thing. 3 months later, we were engaged. Like I said, intense. I loved this man with my whole being. He taught me (in my opinion) what true love really was, because I had never ever felt that way before (or since). We had amazing chemistry in all aspects of our life together.

After our whirlwind engagement we had a wonderful engagement party back in my home town. We set the date for our wedding: Sunday, November 5, 2006. Exactly one year after our first date. Now by this point he had filed divorce papers and we were beginning to plan our future. He and I made the decision to quit our positions in California and move back to Texas (where I’m from) and so, we left his wonderful family (whom I just simply adored) and friends, and moved to the Lone Star State. Now, when we lived in CA together, we did get in arguments (like all couples) and one I remember very well, but life changed when we got to Texas. We were happy for the rest of 2006, however after finding our wedding venue location, having my bridesmaids order their dresses, and ordering and sending out wedding invitations, his wife would not sign the divorce papers. We both knew it was out of spite, but nonetheless, she wouldn’t sign them. So the moment came, (because I couldn’t marry a married man) where we had to make the difficult decision to cancel/postpone the wedding. Postpone we did. The new date was October 10, 2007.

*Intercepting some thoughts from people reading this – I truly think this life (what I call AC {after California}) began my true downward spiral into BPD and Bipolar. I can’t say for sure, but this is when life changed forever. For the worse. And there is a reason I am going through all this and sharing.

Living in Dallas, we were doing ok. The wife granted the divorce (FINALLY) and we got a cute new apartment and we were doing well! We did work different jobs at this point, so we weren’t together ALL the time but we did make sure we were together for the important and intimate times. Fast forward to the summer of 2007 (again just a few months before we were supposed to get a wedding re-do). If I could pinpoint a moment in time where life was the worst, I would say the summer of 2007. Without warning, I found him driving 3 hours away for some random ‘training days’ for his job and being suspicious. I know I know, I know what you’re going to say… “If they will do it with you, they will do it to you”. One day, he had left a receipt for a dozen red roses for another girl on our entry way table. There was no trying to hide it. It gets worse. He ended up telling me that he got this girl pregnant. Did I start spiraling! You know that sickening feeling you get where it feels like your stomach falls to your seat? Now, during this time, as ANGRY as I was, I was still trying to save what we had. And we still lived together and were intimate. Although at this time I knew my dreams of marrying him were shot. But I was trying to save the relationship. After a very weird and tumultuous year of going back and forth, we split. For good. We parted apartment ways and I moved out a year later in the summer of 2008. Finding out later that he married this girl that he cheated on me with was heart-wrenching. Our 3 year relationship was a life changer for me! I found out not too long ago that this woman and he had gotten divorced and he was dating a new girl. Eventually, he married her. (Yeah, he’s a serial proposer). As I learned of this marriage, I began to get really emotional.

Fast forward to April 1, 2022. Nearly 14 years after our last time seeing each other and having any interaction, we ran into each other at the local grocery store. Turns out that now, we don’t live but 5-6 miles from each other. BUT WAIT, there’s more!

He just got engaged. Yes, AGAIN. Time was really good to him. He hadn’t changed much. We caught each others eye in the pharmacy section and talked and minimally caught up with each other for about 10 mins. There were two hugs and… that was it. I feel like I was so close to getting closure. But it never came. He ended up marrying this girl and he still lives in the same spot.

(Now, before this goes any further, I am hoping that instead of getting obnoxious comments or anything like that, because I DO know what I did wrong (and it was a lot) and how immature and selfish I was in that relationship, my hope is to share my experience with you and let you know that if you are in a similar situation, I totally get it.)

That meeting, will always haunt me. It has caused my mind to be ALL over the place. It has caused me to drift away into the “what if” fantasy land I tend to live in. And as mad at him as I SHOULD be… I’m not. I’m not mad. I’m sad. In therapy I have tried to get closure through our therapy techniques and it just doesn’t come. Maybe because closure will require me to actually let go. And for some reason I keep hanging on to that time in our lives nearly 20 years ago. My mental disorders have reeked havoc on this part of my memory. But my reality just asks one question. Why not me? Out of all these ladies that he has been engaged to he ended up marrying everyone but me. After thinking about this lately, I think that’s the one thing I want to know.

He visits me in my dream almost every other night. It’s so real and time and time again, I wake up looking for him and upset. Yes, I have a wonderful life with a beautiful family… why can’t I get over this? I’ve been married to a handsome and intelligent man for 11 years (Saturday) and we have the best son on the entire planet. We have that picture perfect life (which we all know is a facade) but we are happy! No relationship is perfect and my husband has been dealt some very difficult cards dealing with my addiction and mental health. He’s stuck it out with me and for that, I am forever grateful. I have found a beautiful spiritual life and grown more in the last 2 years than I have for any period of time throughout my entire life. There is no legitimate reason why my life now should be reminiscent of my former life – but it is. I am.

This is a very different post than I usually create, and I know it’s out of character. Writing is one of my forms (favorite!) of therapy and after writing, and reading and more writing and re-reading, I know that closure is all I need. Whether its finding my way through that alone, or sitting down with him and speaking. If you have ever found ‘The One’ (that actually isn’t the one) I am sure you will understand.

XOXO,

Juliet

The goal of these blogs is to set intentions and to manifest a beautiful and purposeful life! To find beauty in the ugliest of places and to find light in the darkest.
Come with me on this journey as we discover a pathway to healing, health, purpose and joy!
And remember: Don’t take life too seriously, no one gets out alive!